Discussion Become An Argument?

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How often have we began a conversation with our loved ones, colleagues, friends with the goal to discuss, only to have it turn into an argument?

The whole thing just feels like a bullet train wreck – it’s out of your hands, it takes a life of its own and then people involved become upset, angry and all kinds of unkind words ensue.

There are so many factors why this sometimes happens. In this sharing, let’s keep a focus on using language to prevent an explosion.

This is what I teach my clients: Use the word I versus You. Possessing our feelings/emotions/behaviour and taking responsibility for Palm Springs Bat Removal.

Whether it is a work discussion or a discussion regarding relationship and household matters, some kind of emotions/feelings will definitely surface. We are humans, and we come in little packages that include all of the good feelings and all of the bad feelings. Sometimes, for a number people, our feelings (good or bad) are so concealed and stuck deep inside that they don’t get expressed until a conversation with others ignites a spark within. For some others, we’ve got no control over our emotions that they get sparked anytime and anyplace.

One of the keys to remember if we do not want a discussion to turn into a debate is that we maintain our attention only on ourselves and the words we’re using. The fastest way to escalate it into an argument is to say YOU and play the blame game. This is a sure guarantee.

This is simply the ego protecting itself and wanting to come up tops in each and every human circumstance. So if we do not need to place ourselves in a position where things get volatile, avoid saying YOU too much and more importantly stay away from the blame game!

So how can we use the I word instead?

Take ownership of our own feelings/emotions that surface: I feel so sad, I feel so mad etc.. When we say what we’re feeling instead of expressing the feeling in a manner which is going to come across as if we are using another party as a punching bag, things are going to explode.

Do you see the difference between saying what you are feeling versus expressing what you’re feeling?

We say, I am feeling so mad about this circumstance.

If we express this anger, this is the way we could say: Why did this occur? How could something so stupid happen? Why do you do this? How can you let this happen? etc.. .

When we take ownership, we are saying we are responsible for how we feel, and we have to give other people an opportunity to say what they are feeling too.

Some examples:

I’m feeling so mad about this circumstance. I’m certain that no one intended it to be this way…
I am feeling so mad about this, I am not sure it was not your intention to hurt me, but I felt very hurt when I had been talked to this way…
I am feeling so angry about this, I don’t know whether they intended to do this on purpose, but I can’t help but feel so mad because the reality is, I feel so helpless in this situation…
The thing is using the I word will definitely make us emotionally vulnerable, BUT at the same time, it also assists the other party to see their own vulnerability.
So the next question a few people may ask is: what if the other person does not respond in kind but goes into an attack mode while we’re being vulnerable? Stay calm and remain in precisely the exact same position of owning our feelings/emotions and understand that we have taken the higher stand in this circumstance. One person can’t begin an argument, so if we don’t feed it, it is going to die off. A discussion can still happen if both parties have calmed down if not a discussion at the time is the best way forward.

Remember this: Discussions empower us, arguments weaken us.

Transforming “I Can’t” Into “I CAN”

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“As soon as you trust yourself, you will understand how to live.”

Have you ever actually heard yourself whining about how you can’t do something?

I have… and it was not pretty. However, it was made for a funny story!

In actuality, I created a presentation based on said funny story and delivered it recently at a women’s networking event. The talk was well-received (and everyone laughed at the funny part) but I rather surprised myself in the question and answer period afterwards.

My presentation was called,”The Electric Jello Story – Turning I Can’t Into I Could… and I Will.”

The first part of my talk was a somewhat sordid tale in my party days about a bachelorette gone awry. I had overindulged in certain electric jello shooters and had been sent home from the pub early. But when the women attempted to wake me from my drunken slumber at the wee hours of the morning (so that I could buzz them up to the flat ) I wanted no part of being woken up, thank you very much.

Nor could I appear to find out which button to push on the silly intercom to allow them in the foyer.

Unfortunately, my repeated wails of”I can not” (in the most whining and pathetic tone imaginable) was listed on the answering machine.

But to this day, I could still hear how dreadful I sounded!

Anyway, in the next part of my presentation, I told the story of the conversation I had had with my husband the day before he died. I’d said to him:”I am so scared I am going to wake up 20 years from now and still not have finished Belle Glade Raccoon Removal.”

To which he’d responded:”You are probably right about that… just as long as you understand that will have been your decision.”

But in all fairness, after 12 years of being together, I think the poor man had run out of patience listening to me whine and whine about not having the time or money to write. For more than a decade, I had used every excuse in the book as to why I could not make my writing a priority.

I’d said to myself, after dropping him off at work that night. I promised myself I would wake up early the next morning and do an hour of writing prior to going to work in my clerical job.

I pushed snooze. “I’m too tired to write.”

When I finally hauled my butt out of bed, after pushing the snooze button multiple times, there wasn’t any time to write. In actuality, there was hardly time for me to get to work.

When I did arrive at work, my whole life changed in an instant. John died that day. And I got the wake-up call of all wake-up calls about the danger of waiting for a tragedy to wake us to the importance of achieving our dreams.

Two weeks after his death, I started writing what would become my novel, A Widow’s Awakening. It took me 8 years to get it – and me – where it had to be. However, I did it.

After I completed my presentation at the women’s networking event, we had an impromptu Q&A, and the host asked me this question:

“If there was only one word to describe what you think is THE most important thing in terms of transforming”I can’t” into”I could,” what could it be?”

I thought about this for a moment and then one word popped into my mind.

“But not faith in the standard way we often think of faith, as in having faith in some sort of divine guidance or a religious belief.”

“I’m talking about faith in one’s self.” I continued. “I think it is absolutely imperative that we have faith in ourselves and our ability to achieve what it is we really want to achieve. Because if we do not have this, then all the divine help and spiritual guidance in the world can’t help us.”

Likewise with our mortal supporters.

John believed in my potential as a writer and did what he could to inspire me to take concrete actions towards meeting my goals i.e. get my butt in the seat and WRITE.

But at the end of the day, taking action was my responsibility. That was a really tough life lesson to learn in the wake of such an immense loss.

If we do not have faith in ourselves that we can – and will – measure up to the plate, each and every day, and do the work that needs to be done, then the reinforcement and support of our nearest and dearest, in addition to any type of divine guidance we may think is available to us, won’t be of much use.

And for the record, I DO believe there’s a tremendous amount of spiritual aid just waiting in the wings to help guide us… sending us all sorts of signs and signals. We just have to a) listen and b) take action. I suspect, however, that those other forces do not require our faith.